In life, there are times where I have to step back and pretend to be an outsider in my own life. Let’s actually go with friend, I pretend not to be myself but instead a friend. After this internal switcharoo has occurred I ask myself what a friend might say about my choices, then I counsel myself. After reading only a few lines, you may now be thinking “Oh, so she has multiple personalities. Cool,” but no worries not in this case. The fact is there is so much clarity when you are advising someone else on their issues. It is much easier to counsel than to be counseled. Therefore my original thought stands. Sometimes I am forced to revaluate my life which then transforms my inner dialogue to that of someone other than me.
Hopefully now you are somewhat hooked and thinking “oh em gee, what on earth is this betch having turmoil over?” It happens to center upon a very hot topic, a certain app that takes social media to either the creepiest or most creative level yet. I shamefully admit that I am writing of TINDER. If you are unaware of what this is I will be brief on getting you up to speed. Some would describe this as a great way to meet new people and others would say it gives easy access to be the next episode of what Dateline is investigating. If I am being completely honest, most would probably describe it as an app for hook ups and whichever way you spin it, I have to say it makes for an interesting time.
Use of the app is simple. Logging on is made possible though Facebook which you must have in order to use Tinder. It takes up to 5 pictures from your Facebook account which in turn becomes your Tinder profile. These are what your suitors are allowed to look at when browsing the app. Thankfully there are only two options. You either like or dislike someone. If you like someone and they return the favor this is what is called a “match.” Your matches are then placed in a section of the app where Tinder bullies you into starting a conversation with those whom you share a mutual attraction. Essentially, you are judging a lot of books by a lot of different covers.
Why do I know so much about Tinder? It will be fun they said. You can casually date they said. As I type this next sentence my pride hurts a bit and I hope that you as the reader are sharing a judge free zone with me right now. I went on two Tinder dates. GASP- even typing it makes me bow my head in disgrace like a small dog who just shat on the new carpet.
One date was a very casual coffee/doughnut meet and greet. Naturally this isn't my thing, but I was attempting to be spontaneous! Turns out this “match” was not my type and he probably thought “why is she dressed up for coffee.” He did however request a selfie of the two of us at the end of our “date.” I dutifully smiled for the photo and slipped him 20 bucks to never show it to anyone. (Kidding).
The next date was with a med school graduate, new to the area, and very cute. Surely this guy was only on Tinder because he was a newbie and knew no one. I was thrilled to speak with a thicker accent and play the part of the southern bell turned tour guide Barbie. I got the feeling sister wives may be his thing. He also tried to hold my hand too soon. Am I against this move? Not at all. Am I against this move the first date which is also the first time I am meeting you in person? YES, DON’T TOUCH ME WEIRDO. He also tried to kiss me just after I had eaten. How can I think about kissing you when I am worried about funk breath?!
After this, thankfully I was able to spend the night with my best friend whom I shared every detail of the date and we chalked it up to being a good experience and better yet a fun story to tell. This is a very positive outlook as I hope to avoid hanging out with more Big Love-esque touchy- feely future doctors anytime soon. I also realized that I was over Tinder. For about a month and a half, I was strong and my will power was impeccable. Then last Saturday night hit. I had no plans, I was on my couch watching Gossip Girl and I caved. I downloaded the app again and all too easily began to flip through the photos of potential Prince Charmings.
This amused me for awhile and I made the executive decision that the quality of males had increased. Quantity was never the issue. This go round contained a much more attractive crop. I was having fun until my matches began to converse with me. Some of the conversations I started and some were started by the fellas. It’s always a little awkward because both parties realize that the only thing each initially has in common is Tinder. I could get over this fact, but I was quickly reminded why I was over all the other facets of Tinder in the first place.
“Hey sexy,” “Hey pretty little girl,” “Cute pics,” or my personal favorite “Did you get your pants on sale because if you were in my room they would be 100% off.” The latter actually made me laugh but was inevitably followed by an eye roll. While I am flattered that these people may find me attractive, I could care less. Anyone can be sexy, or at least try to be. Being beautiful encompasses so much more than looks alone and this is what I want my significant other to perceive me as. Also, it is bad enough to be on the receiving end of a pick-up line in person, but I was getting it via TINDER. Apparently, this was my rock bottom.
So why am I on a conference call with myself? Because, Tinder is not an acceptable way to meet my future boyfriend or even future fling. I don’t judge others for using it, obviously that would make me a total hypocrite. However it seems I am searching in the wrong venue and seeking attention from an endless supply of strangers on an app that will fill a void for just a second. Those moments are fleeting and not worth it! I tried to make Tinder my fairy godmother and I learned the hard way that “bipity bobbity boo” is not nor will ever be in the app’s DNA.
My Prince will come and I know deep down he won’t be delivered on an app that pinpoints his whereabouts. Someone out there has my other glass slipper and I can’t wait until he returns it because when he does I will exchange it for my heart. After all, Cinderella had to put up with two ugly bitties and an even uglier stepmom, oh and that bitch of a cat that stayed scheming. I don't have it nearly as bad as Cindy. Things worked out for her, just as they will for me. I just hope when I meet my Prince, he will like me for my smart mouth and crazy ideas, not because we dance once and he thinks I’m pretty. Really Prince Charming is kinda sexiest and dull, but we shall save that argument for another time.
For now, I leave you with this really cheesy send off. Mostly its a play on the title of my blog. I am Gossip Girl obsessed and the whole “xoxo” sign out is a little bit been there done that. However, if you are familiar with the show I prefer you read the following in GG’s (Kristen Bell’s) voice.
To my lovers and my haters:
Laters,
-K
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